Nina Godiwalla on Why Mutual Respect Matters in a Marriage

In Chapter 21 of 22 in her 2011 Capture Your Flag interview, author Nina Godiwalla answers "Why is Mutual Respect Important in a Marriage?"  Godiwalla, who had a child amidst the process of publishing her first book, finds mutual respect for things she and her partner both want in life fundamental to their wellbeing.  She shares how this mutual respect is key to achieving a manageable and meaningful work-life balance.  Godiwalla is the author of "Suits: A Woman on Wall Street".  She is also a public speaker on workplace diversity and founder and CEO of Mindworks, where she teaches mind-based stress reduction (MBSR) techniques to help organizations improve employee wellbeing.  Godiwalla holds an MBA from the Wharton School of Business, an MA in Creative Writing from Dartmouth University and her BBA from the University of Texas at Austin. 

Transcript:

Erik Michielsen:  Why is mutual respect important in a marriage?

Nina Godiwalla:  Well, I think it depends what you want to accomplish and what you want out of your marriage but you know one of the things that I’ve gotten so much from for a lot of people have said to me is, I had a baby while – right when I had – in the middle of having a book and I’ve had so many people say to me “Oh, I don’t understand how you did it all.  Like how are you able to do both?”  And I remember growing up, I used to go to these women’s conferences and I’ve never – never been very excited about marriage or having kids because to me I was always – I was so career oriented but I had this fear that once that would come like a husband and a child it would take away from my career life and I remember being in these conferences and you know women’s conferences and having women say it’s true like they just you know once you have the kids, it all falls on you, so much of it falls on you and I’ve always had this fear that it would – having a kid would take you know kind of the excitement of my life away. 

And what I’ve realized is, one, I married a person that in the end I wasn’t going to get married unless I had somebody who completely was inline with what I wanted and there is that and it’s not just mutual respect it’s mutual respect for the things that you both want out of life and I find that a lot of people that say that they have it all, that they never worked that out with their partner to some extent or their partner doesn’t have that mindset of you know I see that these are the three critical things for you let’s see how we can work on them together and my husband is an exceptional person in general but he makes everything – he makes everything possible.  I mean we both have difficult travel schedules and he never says “Well, you know you’re supposed to be here this week and I’m supposed to be here this week this just isn’t going to work.”  He’s always like “Okay, let’s sit down.  Let’s sit down and talk about how we make this work.”  I mean I fell in love with him and then he just happened to be this person that wanted to work everything out and he works out things you know even better than I can even think of. 

I think sometimes “Well, yeah, like one of us can’t go or you know we can’t figure this out.”  But we always seem to make things work and we have this respect in understanding that you know first things first, is our child is going to be in good hands.  Whether it’s with him or the child is with me or we have incredible grandparents that are always around so we – we make it work and there is this understanding that what’s important to you is important to me because if I don’t keep you happy you know I’m not going to be happy either and I find that people that say that they don’t have it all or that there’s no way to do it all, part of it is maybe you know maybe the goals aren’t realistic, I don’t know what their goals are but also I don’t know that there is a mutual respect on both sides for, you know what when I married you, you didn’t want – you only wanted two things and now you want three things.  Well, we just move with the flow.  It’s like okay, well you changed what you wanted but how do I still do things to keep you happy. And I don’t know that everyone really goes of their way to do that for the other person.

How to Set Expectations in a Marriage - Nina Godiwalla

In Chapter 22 of 22 in her 2011 Capture Your Flag interview, author Nina Godiwalla answers "What Has Your Marriage Taught You About Sacrifice and Teamwork?"  She shares how she and her husband blend fiercely independent attitudes with a deep support for one another.  Godiwalla is the author of "Suits: A Woman on Wall Street".  She is also a public speaker on workplace diversity and founder and CEO of Mindworks, where she teaches mind-based stress reduction (MBSR) techniques to help organizations improve employee wellbeing.  Godiwalla holds an MBA from the Wharton School of Business, an MA in Creative Writing from Dartmouth University and her BBA from the University of Texas at Austin. 

Transcript:

Erik Michielsen:  What has your marriage taught you about sacrifice and teamwork?

Nina Godiwalla:  Teamwork is important.  I definitely think teamwork is important. My marriage is very independent.  My husband and I, we pretty much do whatever we want whenever we want and I – we're both like incredibly stubborn people, we’re very like fiercely independent at the end of the day there’s nothing he could die without me for, there’s nothing I could die without having him for.  We just love being with each other and doing things together. 

People talk a lot about compromise and things you have to do and I feel like the compromises for us have not been huge at all.  We go out of our way for each other to make things work. The teamwork is, is wanting that other person to succeed in what they want in life at all times.  So we don’t have – one of the things is lifestyle.  We talk about all the time about lifestyle and part of it is, “Hey do we want this—do we want a big house or do we want that apartment down the street,” because right now maybe we both want to start up our own companies or we both want to do this and we’re so flexible.  There’s not – there’s no expectation, there’s no big expectations in our marriage other than I’m looking out for you and you look out for me.  There’s no expectation of you were supposed to bring in this much money this year.  There’s no expectation of you know I spent six hours with our son today so now you need to spend six hours.  It’s hey, what’s going on with you? Can we make this work? And when you have that other person always looking out for you there’s not a lot of threat of you know this is unfair or this didn’t happen and it does happen sometimes with us but we’ll just you know we’ll you know say to the other person like “Hey, I actually don’t think this is working out this way.” 

And when I hear people talk about like the difficulties of marriage or things like that it’s like, “Well, you know I have to cook every night, I have to do this every night.”  And we don’t even have that. Like nobody – if nobody cooks, nobody cooks.  If there’s no food I mean there’s – a lot of times there is no food.  It’s like you get your own food if you want to eat, you want to eat.  If we want to eat together then somebody might make something but there’s just – those expectations are so limited in my marriage that it just works for us.

Matt Ruby on Finding Joy Performing Standup Comedy

In Chapter 1 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "Why Do You Consider Stand-Up Comedy to Be the Best Thing in the World?"  He is drawn to the shaman-like, truth telling aspect that is rooted in a raw, subjective environment.  Further, he finds great reward standing on stage making people laugh. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

How Flow State of Mind Elevates Stage Performance - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 2 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "When Are You at Your Best?"  Ruby notes how he does his best work when in a flow state.  An analytic person, Ruby learns to let go and immerse himself in an open state where he can trust his subconscious and perform on stage. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University.

Matt Ruby on Advancing a Standup Comedy Career

In Chapter 3 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "Since Our Last Interview, What Has Been the Most Meaningful Development in Your Career?"  Ruby notes how producing two shows, "Hot Soup" and "We're All Friends Here" provides him consistent stage time and varied experiences he uses to hone his craft.  He complements these by traveling outside New York City where it is easier to gain access to longer form stage time. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

What Gets Easier and What Gets Harder - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 4 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "What is Getting Harder and What is Getting Easier in What You Do as a Standup Comedian?"  He shares how experience is making some things easier.  He notes the the challenge of maintaining a unique voice or point of view as he gains performance experience. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

Matt Ruby on How to Improve Comic Timing

In Chapter 5 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "How Has Your Comedic Timing Evolved as You've Built Experience and Refined Your Delivery?"  By performing regularly, Ruby not only learns to get into a rhythm with existing material, but also to deliver new material to audiences in a more engaging way. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

Matt Ruby on Creative Writing and Editing Advice for Artists

In Chapter 6 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "How Have Side Projects Helped You Develop as a Standup Comedian?"  Side projects help Ruby gather more ideas, edit ruthlessly or critically, and generate resulting work.  He notes how the creative process - generate and edit - applies across disciplines including photography, comedy, music, and writing.  Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

How Social Media Transforms Standup Comedy Career - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 7 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "Where Has Using Social Media Been Most Valuable in Your Work as a Standup Comedian?"  Ruby finds social media useful making his art less temporal and more lasting.  Moreover, engaging social media helps Ruby connect with fans, creating a recognizable point of view, and testing new ideas. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University.

How Note Taking Helps Comedian Generate New Material - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 8 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "What Role Does Note Taking Play in Your Creative Process?"  Carrying a notebook and writing things down allows Ruby to capture ideas and material in spontaneous life moments.  He prefers the continuous process rather than a formalized and structured idea generation process. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

Matt Ruby on What Entrepreneurs and Standup Comedians Have in Common

In Chapter 9 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "What Do Entrepreneurs and Standup Comedians Have in Common?"  He shares how he gets connected to Peter Sims, author of "Little Bets: How Breakthrough Ideas Emerge from Small Discoveries."  Ruby finds parallels between entrepreneur and standup life in the idea or product testing and editing through the feedback process. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

Matt Ruby on Finding Inspiration by Interviewing Peers

In Chapter 10 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "Where Have You Found Inspiration Interviewing Others on Your Podcast?"  By interviewing comedians offstage on his "Sandpaper Suit" podcast, Ruby connects with artists in a more personal way.  These experiences motivate him to take a more direct and personal approach to his standup comedy work. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

How Success Shapes Standup Comedy Career Growth - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 11 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "What Interests You Most About the Arc of a Standup Comedy Career?"  Ruby notes how comedians get more interesting with age and experience.  Experience and time allow a comedian not only to build a set but also to build a brand.  Over time, it becomes less about being an anonymous name in a large room to being the featured performer in a fan-filled room. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University.

How to Control Comedy Voice Entertaining Audiences - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 12 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "Why Do You Choose to Write Comedy for Yourself and Not Other People?"  Ruby prefaces his answer with understanding that satisfying the audience is a huge goal.  He notes, however, that it not always about giving the audience what it wants because they may not know what they want.  Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

How Comedian Creates Meaningful Career Goals - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 13 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby "How Is Gaining Standup Comedy Experience Affecting Your Approach to Who You Want to Be on Stage?"  Ruby notes how he is going through a metamorphosis, evolving his act and performance.  He begins by thinking about his audience and what he can do to create more memorable experiences.  The process leads him to a deep introspective analysis of what makes his work meaningful and how he can improve. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

How to Make Personal Connections in a Crowded Room - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 14 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "What Have You Learned About Making Better Individual Connections in Crowded Rooms?"  Ruby learns how and when to share something personal to create a more universal element to reach his audience.  Even if sharing something is not a direct match with the audience, by letting his guard down, he finds common ground with individuals in the audience. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

How to Create Longer Lasting Comedy Material - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 15 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "What are You Learning About Creating More Sustainable and Durable Comedy Material?"  Ruby prioritizes creating evergreen material that does not get old, contrasting it to temporal material that dies quickly.  As an example, Ruby notes how more personal material has a longer shelf life. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University. 

How Standup Comedian Learns to Be a Better Storyteller - Matt Ruby

In Chapter 16 of 18 in his 2011 Capture Your Flag interview with host Erik Michielsen, standup comedian Matt Ruby answers "How Are You Becoming a Better Storyteller?"  Over time, Ruby learns to combine punch line jokes with narrative stories and delight and entertain his audience. 

Matt Ruby is a standup comedian based in New York City.  He co-produces the weekly show "Hot Soup", co-hosts the monthly show "We're All Friends Here", and manages a comedy blog "Sandpaper Suit".  Ruby graduated from Northwestern University.